In the months after a baby arrives, partners see things no one else does. They are there at three in the morning. They see her face when the baby will not stop crying. They notice when she stops laughing at the jokes she used to love.

That closeness makes partners some of the most important people in spotting depression after birth. It can also make it hard to speak up. Many partners worry they will hurt her feelings, start a fight or say the wrong thing. Others assume what they are seeing is just ordinary exhaustion.

Sometimes it is. But sometimes it is more, and a partner who knows what to look for can make a real difference.

Telling tired apart from depressed

Nearly every new parent is tired. Many new mothers have a stretch of weepy, up-and-down days in the first couple of weeks after birth. That usually passes on its own.

Depression tends to last longer and run deeper. It can begin during pregnancy or anytime in the first year after the baby is born. Signs a partner might notice include:

• Sadness, irritability or numbness that lasts more than two weeks
• Seeming disconnected from the baby, or overwhelmed by worry about the baby
• Not sleeping even when the baby is asleep and someone else is on duty
• Pulling away from you, from friends or from family
• Calling herself a terrible mother, or saying the family would be better off without her
• Talking about feeling trapped, hopeless or like a burden

Partners can also struggle with depression after a baby arrives. If you notice these signs in yourself, they deserve attention too. Taking care of yourself is part of taking care of the family.

How to bring it up

Choose a quiet time, not in the middle of an argument or a crying spell. Sit down beside her. Tell her what you have noticed in plain words, without blame. You might say that she has seemed really down for a few weeks and that you are worried because you love her.

Then ask how she is doing, and listen. She may cry. She may get defensive or say she is fine. Stay steady. Let her know that what she is feeling is not a sign of weakness and does not make her a bad mother.

If anything she says sounds hopeless, ask the direct question: Are you having any thoughts of suicide? Many partners fear that asking might make things worse. It does not. Asking does not plant the idea. It tells her you are willing to hear the truth, and that is often what makes it possible for her to share it.

If she says yes, stay with her. Keep your voice calm, thank her for telling you, and help her connect with care right away. Do not promise to keep it a secret.

Helping her reach care

Doctors already expect to talk about this. Her postpartum checkups include questions about depression, and so do the baby's visits to the pediatrician. Those screenings are routine for a reason. Encourage her to answer honestly. If she is willing, go to the appointment with her and share what you have seen at home.

If she does not want to wait for an appointment, the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline is open every hour of every day. She can call or text 1-833-852-6262 for free. You can call too, as a partner, to ask how to help.

Make the path to care as easy as possible. Look up phone numbers. Offer to make the first call. Handle the baby, the drive or the paperwork so she only has to show up.

What helps at home

Take over some night feeds so she can get several hours of unbroken sleep. Keep meals simple and regular. Guard her time to shower, rest or step outside. Limit visitors if they wear her out, and welcome the ones who lighten the load.

Keep checking in, even after things start to look better. Recovery is rarely a straight line, and a partner who keeps asking, kindly and plainly, helps her know she does not have to carry this alone.

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time. In an emergency, call 911.