When someone in a family dies, adults often wonder how to talk to the children. Should they be told everything? Should they go to the funeral? Will talking about it make things worse?
Children of all ages grieve, even very young ones. They simply grieve in their own way. With honest information and caring adults nearby, children can learn that big feelings can be lived through and that they are not alone.
Children grieve in bursts
Adults are sometimes puzzled when a child cries hard one minute and asks to go play the next. This is common. Many children grieve in short bursts, stepping in and out of sadness. Play is one of the ways they work through what has happened.
Children may also revisit the loss as they grow. A child who was very young when a parent or grandparent died may grieve again at a new stage, such as starting school or reaching another milestone, as they understand the loss in a new way.
Common reactions in children include:
- Clinginess or fear of being apart from caregivers.
- Trouble sleeping, nightmares or wanting to sleep with a parent.
- Stomachaches, headaches or other physical complaints.
- Acting younger than their age for a while.
- Anger, irritability or trouble at school.
- Asking the same questions many times.
Use honest, simple words
Gentle phrases like we lost her or he went to sleep can confuse children or make them afraid of sleeping or getting lost. It is usually kinder to use clear words, such as died and death, along with an explanation that the person's body stopped working and they will not come back.
Children do not need every detail, and they should never be given details about a death that could frighten them. They do need the truth at a level they can understand. When a child asks a question, it often helps to first ask what they think, then answer simply and check whether they have more questions.
When a death was a suicide, many grief specialists encourage families to tell children the truth in an age-appropriate way, often a little at a time. Children frequently learn the truth eventually, and hearing it from a loving adult can protect trust. A simple explanation might be that the person had an illness in their thinking and feelings that was hard to see, and that people who feel that kind of pain can get help.
Children also need to hear clearly that the death was not their fault. Young children sometimes believe their thoughts or behavior caused something to happen.
Routines and reassurance
A death can make a child's world feel unpredictable. Keeping routines as steady as possible, like school, meals and bedtime rituals, signals that life still has structure. Children also benefit from hearing who will take care of them, especially if a parent has died.
Some ways to help children express and remember:
- Drawing pictures or writing letters to the person who died.
- Making a memory box with photos and small objects.
- Including them, if they want, in planning parts of a service or memorial.
- Telling stories about the person, and saying their name often.
- Letting them see adults cry, along with how adults comfort each other.
When to seek more help
Many children, with steady support, gradually find their footing. But some need more help. It is a good idea to talk to a pediatrician, school counselor or child therapist if a child:
- Seems withdrawn or sad most of the time for weeks.
- Has a sharp, lasting drop in school performance.
- Talks about wanting to die or wanting to be with the person who died.
- Shows major changes in eating or sleeping that do not ease.
Any talk of wanting to die should be taken seriously and acted on promptly, even in young children. Calmly asking what they mean and getting professional help right away are the right steps.
Grieving adults also need care, and children notice how the adults around them are doing. Seeking support for yourself is one of the best things you can do for the children in your life.
If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time. In an emergency, call 911.