When a family loses someone, the sympathy cards often go to the parents or the spouse. Brothers and sisters, whether they are six or sixty, can end up on the edges of the circle of care. Grief counselors sometimes call them the forgotten mourners.

Yet the loss of a sibling can mean losing one of the longest relationships of a person's life. A sibling may have been there for every chapter, the keeper of shared jokes, family history and childhood memories no one else holds.

Why sibling grief gets overlooked

There are several reasons sibling grief can go unseen. Friends and coworkers may ask how the parents are doing without asking about the brother or sister. Adult siblings may be expected to handle arrangements, comfort their parents and return to work quickly. Younger siblings may hide their sadness so they do not add to their parents' pain.

Many surviving siblings say they felt they had to be the strong one. Being strong for others can leave little room for one's own grief, which may then surface later, sometimes months or years down the road.

Complicated feelings are common

Sibling relationships are rarely simple, and grief reflects that. Alongside sadness, a surviving sibling may feel:

• Guilt over old arguments, rivalries or things left unsaid.
• Survivor's guilt, a sense that it should have been them, or that they do not deserve good things now.
• Loneliness in the family, especially if parents are consumed by their own grief.
• Pressure to fill the empty space, take on the lost sibling's roles or become the perfect child.
• Fear about their own health or the health of others they love.

When the death was a suicide, siblings may also wrestle with questions about what they knew or noticed. It is important for them to hear that suicide is not caused by any one person or moment, and that it is not their fault.

Supporting young siblings

Children and teenagers who lose a brother or sister need honest, age-appropriate information and steady reassurance. They may ask the same questions over and over, and that is often how they make sense of what happened.

Some ways parents and caregivers can help, even while grieving themselves:

• Use clear, simple words about the death rather than phrases like went to sleep, which can confuse or frighten children.
• Let them know their feelings are welcome, including anger and silliness, which children often move between quickly.
• Keep routines like school, meals and bedtime as steady as possible.
• Invite another trusted adult, such as an aunt, coach or family friend, to give them extra attention.
• Let teachers and school counselors know what has happened so they can watch for signs of struggle.

Teenagers may turn to friends more than family, which is normal. Still, it helps to check in regularly and watch for signs of depression, such as withdrawal, falling grades, changes in sleep or talk about not wanting to be alive.

Supporting adult siblings

Adult siblings often juggle their own grief, their parents' needs, jobs and their own children. Friends can help simply by naming the loss. A few words, such as I am so sorry about your brother, how are you holding up, can mean a lot to someone who feels invisible.

Practical help is valuable too. Offering to watch kids, bring a meal or help with paperwork can free up space for grieving. Remembering the sibling's birthday or the anniversary of the death with a short message lets the surviving sibling know their loss is seen.

Siblings who notice lasting hopelessness, trouble functioning or thoughts of suicide deserve support right away from a doctor, counselor or crisis line. Grief support groups, including some just for siblings, can also offer a place where this particular loss is fully understood.

Families can also make room for siblings in rituals and remembrance. Inviting a brother or sister to speak at a service, choose a photo for the memorial table or keep a meaningful belonging can help them feel included rather than sidelined.

A sibling's grief is not secondary. It is its own loss, and it deserves its own care.

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time. In an emergency, call 911.