Fine. Hanging in there. Doing okay. Those are the answers many grieving women give when someone asks how they are. Often, they are not the whole truth.

Women frequently carry much of the work of a family through a loss. They may be organizing the service, comforting children, checking on aging parents and returning to a job, all while grieving themselves. Many are so used to looking after others that they find it hard to admit they are struggling.

A gentle, direct question can give a grieving woman permission to put down the brave face, even for a few minutes.

Go beyond a quick hello

A passing how are you is often heard as a greeting, not a real question. To show you truly want to know, it helps to slow down and be more specific. Find a private, unhurried moment, put your phone away, and try questions like these:

• How are you really doing, not the version you give everyone else?
• What has been the hardest part of this week?
• How are you sleeping? Are you eating?
• What do the evenings feel like now?
• Who is taking care of you while you take care of everyone else?

Then listen. Resist the urge to fill silence, offer quick fixes or compare her loss to your own. If she cries, that is not a sign you said the wrong thing. It may mean she finally felt safe enough to let go.

Asking about suicide directly

Grief can sometimes lead to depression, and depression can bring thoughts of suicide. This can be especially true after the loss of a child or partner, after a suicide loss, or when grief is layered on top of other stresses. If you notice signs that a grieving woman may be in serious pain, it is important to ask about suicide directly.

Signs that call for a direct question include:

• Talking about feeling hopeless, trapped or like a burden.
• Saying she wants to be with the person who died.
• Withdrawing from friends, family and activities she once valued.
• Giving away meaningful belongings or putting affairs in order unexpectedly.
• Big changes in sleep, eating or drinking.
• A sudden calm after a long stretch of deep distress.

Many people worry that asking about suicide will put the idea in someone's mind. It does not. Asking clearly and calmly shows that you are willing to hear the truth and that she does not have to hide it.

You can ask plainly: Are you having thoughts of suicide? Or you might say that sometimes, when people are grieving this hard, they think about not wanting to be alive, and ask whether she has been having thoughts like that. Using the word suicide is clearer than hinting, and clarity is a kindness.

If she says yes

If she tells you she has been thinking about suicide, stay calm and stay with her. Thank her for telling you. You do not need to have answers. You need to listen and help her connect to support.

• Listen without judgment. Avoid lecturing, arguing or telling her how much she has to live for.
• Do not agree to keep it secret. Let her know you care too much to keep this to yourself.
• Help her reach support now. Offer to call or text a crisis line together, or to help her reach her doctor or a counselor.
• Act fast in an emergency. If she is in immediate danger, call emergency services and stay with her until help arrives.
• Follow up. Check in the next day and the days after. Ongoing contact matters.

If she says no

If she says she is not having those thoughts, you have still done something important. You have shown her that you can handle hard conversations. Let her know that if anything changes, she can come to you any time.

Keep showing up with meals, walks, phone calls and quiet company. Remember her loved one's birthday and the anniversary of the death. And keep asking how she is really doing, because the honest answer can change from one week to the next.

For a woman holding a family together in grief, being asked and truly heard can be its own kind of relief.

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time. In an emergency, call 911.