A calendar can feel different after someone dies. Dates that once meant celebration, like birthdays, holidays and wedding anniversaries, can arrive with a heaviness that is hard to name. The date of the death itself can loom for weeks.

Grief counselors sometimes call this the anniversary reaction. In the days leading up to a meaningful date, people may notice they are more tired, more irritable, more tearful or simply out of sorts. Some do not connect the feeling to the calendar until they look back.

These reactions are common, and they can happen in the first year and for many years after. Knowing that can help people treat themselves with more patience.

The dread is often worse than the day

Many grieving people say the anticipation is harder than the day itself. The weeks before a holiday fill with reminders: store displays, songs, invitations, family group chats making plans. It is natural to feel a sense of dread.

One way to ease that dread is to make a plan, even a loose one. A plan does not have to be elaborate. It simply answers a few questions ahead of time, so the day does not arrive as a blank page.

• Where do I want to be? At home, with family, with a friend, or somewhere new.
• Who do I want around me? And who might be harder to be around right now.
• What traditions do I want to keep, change or skip this year?
• What will I do if the day becomes too much? Having an exit plan, like a quiet room or a drive home, can make it easier to show up at all.

Keeping, changing and making traditions

There is no rule that says holidays must look the way they always have. Some families find comfort in keeping every tradition exactly the same. Others find that the old rituals only highlight who is missing, and they choose to do something different for a while.

Both choices are reasonable, and families can change their minds from year to year. Some ideas people have found meaningful:

• Lighting a candle at the table in honor of the person who died.
• Cooking their favorite dish, or asking everyone to share a story about them.
• Setting out a memory jar where guests can write down a favorite moment.
• Volunteering, donating or doing a kind act in the person's name.
• Visiting a place they loved, whether a park, a lake or a favorite diner.

It also helps to talk openly within the family. One person may want to talk about the loved one all day. Another may want a few hours of feeling ordinary. Neither is wrong. Agreeing on a simple plan, and making room for different needs, can prevent hurt feelings on an already tender day.

Anniversaries of the death

The date someone died can carry a special weight. Some people choose to spend it quietly, at a graveside, in a place of worship or at home with photos. Others prefer to stay busy, go to work or take a trip.

When the death was a suicide, this date can be especially complicated. Survivors of suicide loss often carry questions that do not have answers, and the anniversary can bring those questions back. It may help to choose ahead of time to focus the day on the person's life: their humor, their kindness, the things they loved.

Friends can help a great deal here. Marking the date on your own calendar and sending a short note, something as simple as I am thinking of you and remembering her today, can mean more than people realize.

Watching for signs of something deeper

A hard week around an anniversary is part of grief. But if sadness lingers long after the date passes, or if someone begins to feel hopeless, stops eating or sleeping, or talks about not wanting to be here, it is time to reach out for more support from a doctor, a counselor or a trusted person.

Holidays and anniversaries will likely always carry some ache. For many people, over time, that ache begins to sit alongside gratitude for the years they shared.

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time. In an emergency, call 911.